The Duck

Hey I am the faggot's twin: Matty P's twin.
It's her face. It's not an outy, its an inny. That is how I would describe it.
There is a guy I work with who is really good looking, I mean Johnny Depp good looking, in fact every time I see him I thank God I am the straight twin. Not really, but seriously he is good looking. Anyway he walked past the other day and told me we were taking a break early, I said thanks and he kept walking. As I took off my head phones I heard what seemed to be a kissing sound and I turned to see him putting his arm around a female. Now that right there is not wrong in the least in fact the more girls your arms are around the better, it was the thought that popped into my head. It was in fact "What the f**k, she looks like a duck." Yes, people one of the best looking guys I know is in fact humping a duck. It is just wrong. Her body is not bad at all, it is actually fairly nice, but the face...oh god that face. I just think it is a sad world we live in where in order to "get some" you have to choose the duck option.

Confessions of a Blogging Moron

All right, confession time. I like gay, midget porn.... with sheep. Yes, there nothing that turns me on quite like the sight of a little man humping a male sheep doggy-style shouting, "Oh yea ba-a-a-by!!"All right, I'd to take this time to apologize for the nightmarish visual that instantly popped into everyones head. And make my real confession. I have a Hot or Not account. Since probably all of you are unfamiliar with this particular website, let me explain what it is. This is an account where lonely/bored men and women of all ages post there pics and profiles up for anyone to see and ogle - or look away in horror from. One can peruse through variuos photos, rating the pics on a scale of one to ten, one meaning you should where a plastic bag over your head - very, very tightly - and ten meaning you are tomorrows next Covergirl. One can also peruse through the Meet Me section, selecting the members that you think are exceptionally attractive - or they have a great personallity, blah, blah, blah... and then you hope that they click on you in return and lo and behold, a cyber relationship develops to some degree, depending on how much money and time you are willing to invest in this stranger. So.... the question is, how did I get caught up in this mesh ofLoser Love? I wouldn't say I was lonely - I live with 49 other people in college - nor would I say I was particularly bored. No, I think honestly, I was mostly just curious to see what my average rating was - what did the average human being think of my egg-shaped mug? So ultimately I suppose I was driven by the basic, instinctive love of myself - and, oh yes, I love myself.
Funny story though.... I took my twins pic and posted it up along with a really bullshit profile just for the hell of it - oh and yea, I went and clicked Yes I'd Like to Meet You on every woman above seventy that had their pic posted. He was not happy with his results next time he checked his profile. And I said, "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" Oh, me.......
Oh, remember the post I made a while back about how so many people think I'm gay? Ok, so just for the hell of it - seriously, just for the hell of it - I selected to meet only gay males and then selected every face that popped on the screen for the next like minute. And yea, I got like thirty positive responses. Thirty!!!!. Thirty gay men somewhere out there want my face - or my ass. And that's disturbing....

Cool Movie

So I just watched a really cool movie. Four Brothers. That's the name. There's something about movies with brotherskicking ass in it that I really like - probably because I have six brothers and I can jsut really identify with the brotherly interaction and ass-kicking that occurs in movies like this and others like Boondock Saints - another kick-assingly-good flick. Growing up with so many brothers definitely teaches you how to kick ass - and get your ass kicked - without crying like a little bitch that just got his ass kicked. (By the way, word of the day in kick ass, ass kicking, and ass-kickingly-good, in case you didn't notice that. Sometimes though, I wish I had a sister. I think at least one sister would have been cool. Then I wouldn't be so awkward around girls and have such a hard time thinking of stuff to say and feel like such a loser all the time. Instead I had brothers, and the only sibling interactions I had was..... ass-kicking. Oh and Blog-surfer never kicked my ass. He's just a big sissy - a big Lady-in-Red-listening-to sissy.

New Drunk

So I met a new type of drunk person that so impacted me I had to create a whole new category for just her. This type is the Twenty-eight Year Old that Wants my Nuts drunk. As can be derived from the title, this type of drunk is a twenty eight yearold woman. And she wants my nuts. I have three glaring problems with this. 1) I don't have sex with random women. 2) I don't have sex with random, drunk women. 3) I don't have sex with random, drunk ugly- ass mothers. Yes, this particularly nasty specimen of the female creature is 28 and looks like she's 38 - too much crack will do that to you. Plus, she has kids? Seriously, I'm nineteen. What was even more disturbing is that she told me she had never been refused before. Yea? And am I supposed to want to put my valuables in that box? I'm thinking: no-o-o-o-o-oooooo..... Get your hands off my dick and go get your kids. I think they're in the street chasing cars. Crazy bitch.

Drunk People

Matty P likes drunk people. Most of them at least. I have created categories for drunk people, but I would appreciate any additions I've forgotten.
Reluctant then not so reluctnat drinkers: I love getting girls to drink - not necesasarily getting them drunk, but with a lot of girls, drinking will eventually lead to getting drunk because most girls I know are hella light-weight. Really though, getting a girl that doesn't want to drink to drink ts the most challenging and rewarding thing to do when you are drinking, especially when you consider that the next most challenging and rewarding thing is making it to the bathroom to take a piss. And before you all think I'm a complete jerk that loves getting chicks drunk so I can have sex with them, let me assure you that I have never ever had sex with a drunk chick. I don't roll that way. Seriously. But let me reiterate, there is nothing funner than seeing a girl who half an hour before was swearing that she wasn't going to take even one shot and that she really really didn't want to get drunk again suddenly getting drunker than you. That's just a very rewarding feeling and it makes me all happy inside - when I'm drunk.
Angry drunks: I don't like these people so much. These are the guys / girls that take a couple drinks and then suddenly think they are the shit and that everyone else should think so to and that if you don't think so.... blah-blah-blah slap... that was the sound of me bitch slapping them with a stool and then moving on to my favorite category.....
Stupid Drunks: These are people - usually girls - that will tell you anything.... anything in the world if you ask right. I was told by one girl that if my brothers girl-friend was there, she would smash her head into the counter. That would make a lot mroe sense if this girl had been an Angry Drunk (see above category) but she wasn't. She said it with a smile. And that means that she was jsut being honest. And that's a little scary but at the same time entertaing because it showed a side of her that she didn't want anyone to see. I have also been told by complete drunken strangers that they I was really really cute and that when they first saw me they though I was really really cute and that's just plain funny because you know a girl's drunk when she says that about me! I have been told that I have magic-soft hands and that she wondered what were the many wonderous and marvelous deeds I could perform with such hands (another complete stranger). And that's just more good, clean family fun.
Immobile Drunks: And then of course, lastly, we have the classic immobile drunk. These types are always a source of entertainment: they just can't move around like God made them to. Instead they revert to the pitiful method of transportation: crawling. Yes, you've all seen it: grown men and women crawling across the floor, sometimes like babies on their knees, sometimes like parapelegics on their stomachs, dragging themselves with their arms and making annoying grunting noises like a hamster getting it from behind. Of course if you have my luck, you end up with Clingy-Immobile-Chick who decides crawling is too much work and you are her bitch taxi for the ngiht and you end up carrying her dumb-ass around when you would much rather be laughing with everyone else at the Stupid Drunk (see category above).

I am Gay

If I had a dollar for every time I was asked whether or not I was gay, I would have a lot of dollars. Lots and lots. Many dollars. I could wall-paper my apartment with the sullen, sulking face of Geaorge Washington. Seriously, what is it about a very, very, very straight and not-gay-at-all-man like myself that makes people ask if I'm a fudge-packer? My most classic gay-inquiry occurred about a year ago at a place I was working. This new girl - I pegged her as a lesbian, but it turns out she was bi, which would never happen to ME anymore because after living where I have for the past year, I can smell lesbians from three blocks away.... and they smell like not-dick-lovers. Anyways... back to the rug-muncher with rug-burned knees.... I was talking with this girl one day about her past bad experiences with boyfriends - another thing that happens to me: girls I don't even know start our first conversations by telling me what an idiot their last boyfriend was. So I looked shocked and say, "Yea? No! What a fucker! You don't say! Well of course you did! I would too!" - ok maybe that last comment is a little gay - when inside I'm thinkin, "You stupid bitch! I don't even fucking know you! Maybe you're a dirty little tramp whore and your boyfriend is just trying to have a decent relationship but you're just a stupid cunt! If you're head wasn't so far up you're ass, I would bitch-slap your face with my dick!" Okay.. that's not really true... but sometimes, I want to almost think that... sorta... Anywho....!! I was telling a story about this crazy girl and me. She was relating past experiences with guys and what jerks they could be, and I said I completely understood, I don't like guys myself because most of them are such arrogant stuck-up assholes (Seriously, I flip myself off in the mirror before going to work every morning.) Then the girl turns and looks at me and says, "You hate guys? Really, are you gay?" ???????????????????? WHAT THE FUCK??????? HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT REMOTELY MAKE ANY SENSE WHATSOEVER? I hate guys.... (not really, but okay...) so then I must be gay??? Did they change the meaning of gay and I just didn't get the memo, or did you just get bitch-slapped with the stupid stick and you have the inane uirge to ask completely idiotic questions? I would have called her retarded but I have a retarded friend who would be offended by that inference. So I have to ask again, why do people ask if I'm gay? I really, really, really want to know!! While I'm waiting for an answer, I think I'll go watch some Totally Men. Comment please!