I am Gay

If I had a dollar for every time I was asked whether or not I was gay, I would have a lot of dollars. Lots and lots. Many dollars. I could wall-paper my apartment with the sullen, sulking face of Geaorge Washington. Seriously, what is it about a very, very, very straight and not-gay-at-all-man like myself that makes people ask if I'm a fudge-packer? My most classic gay-inquiry occurred about a year ago at a place I was working. This new girl - I pegged her as a lesbian, but it turns out she was bi, which would never happen to ME anymore because after living where I have for the past year, I can smell lesbians from three blocks away.... and they smell like not-dick-lovers. Anyways... back to the rug-muncher with rug-burned knees.... I was talking with this girl one day about her past bad experiences with boyfriends - another thing that happens to me: girls I don't even know start our first conversations by telling me what an idiot their last boyfriend was. So I looked shocked and say, "Yea? No! What a fucker! You don't say! Well of course you did! I would too!" - ok maybe that last comment is a little gay - when inside I'm thinkin, "You stupid bitch! I don't even fucking know you! Maybe you're a dirty little tramp whore and your boyfriend is just trying to have a decent relationship but you're just a stupid cunt! If you're head wasn't so far up you're ass, I would bitch-slap your face with my dick!" Okay.. that's not really true... but sometimes, I want to almost think that... sorta... Anywho....!! I was telling a story about this crazy girl and me. She was relating past experiences with guys and what jerks they could be, and I said I completely understood, I don't like guys myself because most of them are such arrogant stuck-up assholes (Seriously, I flip myself off in the mirror before going to work every morning.) Then the girl turns and looks at me and says, "You hate guys? Really, are you gay?" ???????????????????? WHAT THE FUCK??????? HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT REMOTELY MAKE ANY SENSE WHATSOEVER? I hate guys.... (not really, but okay...) so then I must be gay??? Did they change the meaning of gay and I just didn't get the memo, or did you just get bitch-slapped with the stupid stick and you have the inane uirge to ask completely idiotic questions? I would have called her retarded but I have a retarded friend who would be offended by that inference. So I have to ask again, why do people ask if I'm gay? I really, really, really want to know!! While I'm waiting for an answer, I think I'll go watch some Totally Men. Comment please!