Why Spiderman 3 Sucked

When I first saw the trailers for the last of the web-spinners trilogy, I felt a pang of fear shoot out my ass. The story of Venom is great, but it is a movie unto itself. Here they were planning on shoving the Hob-goblin, Sandman, AND Venom into what I believe is the true definition of the phrase "cluster-fuck." Either that, or a giant super-villain orgy. My fears were confirmed when I finally went to see Spiderman 3 midnight before opening day. I had decided that if they were going to fuck up the movie, at least it would have to be two and a half solid hours of web-slinging ass-kicking. WRONG!! Maybe director Raimi figured he wanted to try his hand at the somehow metaphysical look at the duality of Parker BULLSHIT!!! But the action sequences were few and separated by long periods of Mary-Jane being a sniveling little bitch, and Peter trying to understand where the girl from the last two movies went. That combined with the emotional justification they had for every villain in the movie made for the sappiest, pussiest comic book to hit the big screen. To top it all off, Peter decides that his bad-ass spidey powers can be used to dispel his adolescent angst, demonstrated in the gayest scene Toby McGuire ever acted in: armed with tight-fitting black pants and shirt, an Emo dew, and enough oestrogen to kill the sturdiest of boners, McGuire pranced about like a fairy in some jazz club with Eddy Broc's bimbo of an ex-girlfriend, proving once and for all, that it IS possible to get gayer than Sea Biscuit. As if that wasn't enough, each of the villains dies and then reappears like fifteen times, the most memorable being when Harry Osborne, after pissing off an already menstruating Parker, gets one of his own bombs detonated a few inches from his face. Bummer! I thought to myself. Now the only good actor in this movie - Daniel Defoe - will have no reason to reappear since his lame excuse of off-spring just got his head blown off. But ohhhh noooo!!!! Not only is Harry still alive, but the only sign that he ever had the right side of his body demolished by explosives is a greyish looking burn on his cheek!! Are ya kidding?? Besides that, Harry couldn't seem to make up his dumbass about what he was doing in the movie - killing Spiderman, chasing Mary-Jane, or having gay incestual sex with the ghost of his father. Seriously, he starts out the movie trying to kill Spidey, then loses his memory and likes Peter again, then remembers everything and tries to kill him again, and then decides that he really does love the web-spinner!!! Holy dumb-ass directors, BATMAN!! In fact the only good part of the movie was when Harry and Mary-Jane kiss and some drunk dude in the middle yells out, "BITCH!!" and the theatre erupts in laughter and thunderous appplause. Okay, I wasn't totally drunk, but I wish I had been. This movie blew. Don't watch it or your children will hate you.