Five Ways to Get Undeserved Pussy

The following are five sure-fire (or maybe just hopeful) ways to screw that girl you don't have the balls to make any real moves on.

1: Booze, booze, and more booze!! One cannot under-estimate the horniness alcohol causes. I have researched this subject a lot and created the equation below, comparing your natural sexual attraction with her level of hotness and how much booze it will take to bring them together. Remember the golden rule: 1 shot equals one beer equals one glass of wine - and no, alchie, a glass of wine does NOT mean to the top of the wine glass. If you drink by that rule you will drink yourself into obliteration by the time she is horny, and no one likes a sleepy pee-pee... you moron.

Your Sex Appeal - Her Hotness + Serving O' Booze = Willy's Night Out

Each servings of booze continues to make your chances better and better

For example: Odds are, you are an ugly loser - why else would you be reading this? - and your odds of ever getting pussy are 0% - especially pussy in the 80-100% range. After putting these numbers into the formula above, you have a negative 80% chance of getting into bed with a girl that hot. Since every drink increases your chances of scoring by ten percent, you will have to get her to down 15 beers before you are even at a fifty percent chance. Because it is a common fact that women can drink no more than three beers without becoming unbearably inebriated, by the time your poster girl hits fifteen, you'll be lucky if she is awake. Of course, if that's what you were hoping for, congratulations - time to cash in the V-card, you hopeless fuck. Otherwise, shoot for a lower percentage of hotness - like a 30%. This way she might look like Jar Jar Binks' ugly sister, but at least she'll be sober enough to not throw up on you during. "Ah, me'sa no like pukey on ding-a-ling!" Dumbass.

2: "Lets Watch a Movie" This line is so famous because of the hidden inuendos it usually entails. While "Lets watch a movie" may seem harmless enough, to sex-craved men and women, it means, "Let's Fuck like monkeys on the couch while Harry Potter plays in the background." Watching a movie starts with the lights out - already encouraging sneaky feels - requires the two of you to sit - if not close to one another - at least on the same piece of furniture. (NOTE: If you have failed in this light and find yourself on the couch while your poontang sit across the room in a bean bag, cut your losses. You are obviously so stupid that should you manage to get her naked, you would lay on the bed, put your ass the air, and wait. Go put your head in a freezer, you stupid bitch....)

3. Truth or Dare/Spin the Bottle: These are games created by the spineless sacks of shit who lived 150 years ago - your great-great-great grandparents. In fact, had it not been for games like these, you would never have been born to carry on the legacy of the Empty Sack. Usually, these games do not end in sweaty huffing and puffing, but with blue balls and a bad taste in your mouth - not metaphorically speaking but from the guy that sat across from you during spin the bottle, you faggot. But there is a chance that you're incredible making out skills will make her hotter then a hippie in hell, in which case you will have joined the ranks of your ancestors as being a game-less twat.

4 . Club Dancing: There is probably no lamer expression of cooped-up sexual tension than club dancing. It entails a large amount of alcohol and blaring music, both intended to drive out the last shreds of self-respect from your head, leaving you free to gyrate your skinny butt around the dance-floor in search of some girl dancing alone - or at least with no cocks attached to her ass. As soon as you see her, you make a bee-line across the dance floor, pushing people aside, and go straight to dry-humping her through two layers of clothes. What is even more pathetic is the fact that she allows it! When the lights are low and the music is loud, all self-respect gets thrown out of the window like a screaming baby. Maybe it's because you think if no one can see or hear anything, then no one will remember anything so it isn't really happening. Fortunately for you, club dancing often ends with a shovel - and by a shovel, I mean sex.... bad, sickening-to-watch, nerd-on-whore thrusting. I'm gonna go wash my eyes with sandpaper. Be right back

5. Hot-tubing: I don't know what it is about hot-tubbing with girls that makes you bitches think you are a pimp. The hot-tub is the last place I would want to be if I was as pathetic-looking when I'm half naked as you - and I am. Get a loser into a hot-tub with a couple good looking girls, and he thinks he's Snoop Dogg. While the excitement of being in such an erotic setting is usually too much, you should try to keep your woody to only a semi-hard length of 1.5 inches. If this happens, you have a good chance of blowing that chubby back to its usual inch.
There are a couple benenfits of having sex in a hot tub:
1) Getting naked is a lot easier, and you won't have to fight with the bra strap, Einstein.
2) If you are into anal - and you are - you can get twice the pleasure by fucking your tub-buddy with your own ass close to a jet-stream, guaranteeing twice the gay pleasure.
3) If you cum in the water, no one else will notice with all the foam.
4) If you fuck something up - like suddenly remember your plantane size penis can't satisfy any girl over eleven - you can always just hold her head under the water until she stops kicking. Plus if a girl passes out during sex her pussy tightens like a Chinese Finger Trap, so its like a two-for-one deal. YES!!!