Why Spiderman 3 Sucked

When I first saw the trailers for the last of the web-spinners trilogy, I felt a pang of fear shoot out my ass. The story of Venom is great, but it is a movie unto itself. Here they were planning on shoving the Hob-goblin, Sandman, AND Venom into what I believe is the true definition of the phrase "cluster-fuck." Either that, or a giant super-villain orgy. My fears were confirmed when I finally went to see Spiderman 3 midnight before opening day. I had decided that if they were going to fuck up the movie, at least it would have to be two and a half solid hours of web-slinging ass-kicking. WRONG!! Maybe director Raimi figured he wanted to try his hand at the somehow metaphysical look at the duality of Parker BULLSHIT!!! But the action sequences were few and separated by long periods of Mary-Jane being a sniveling little bitch, and Peter trying to understand where the girl from the last two movies went. That combined with the emotional justification they had for every villain in the movie made for the sappiest, pussiest comic book to hit the big screen. To top it all off, Peter decides that his bad-ass spidey powers can be used to dispel his adolescent angst, demonstrated in the gayest scene Toby McGuire ever acted in: armed with tight-fitting black pants and shirt, an Emo dew, and enough oestrogen to kill the sturdiest of boners, McGuire pranced about like a fairy in some jazz club with Eddy Broc's bimbo of an ex-girlfriend, proving once and for all, that it IS possible to get gayer than Sea Biscuit. As if that wasn't enough, each of the villains dies and then reappears like fifteen times, the most memorable being when Harry Osborne, after pissing off an already menstruating Parker, gets one of his own bombs detonated a few inches from his face. Bummer! I thought to myself. Now the only good actor in this movie - Daniel Defoe - will have no reason to reappear since his lame excuse of off-spring just got his head blown off. But ohhhh noooo!!!! Not only is Harry still alive, but the only sign that he ever had the right side of his body demolished by explosives is a greyish looking burn on his cheek!! Are ya kidding?? Besides that, Harry couldn't seem to make up his dumbass about what he was doing in the movie - killing Spiderman, chasing Mary-Jane, or having gay incestual sex with the ghost of his father. Seriously, he starts out the movie trying to kill Spidey, then loses his memory and likes Peter again, then remembers everything and tries to kill him again, and then decides that he really does love the web-spinner!!! Holy dumb-ass directors, BATMAN!! In fact the only good part of the movie was when Harry and Mary-Jane kiss and some drunk dude in the middle yells out, "BITCH!!" and the theatre erupts in laughter and thunderous appplause. Okay, I wasn't totally drunk, but I wish I had been. This movie blew. Don't watch it or your children will hate you.

Why Obama will never be President

1. Many people do NOT like black people, plain and simple
2. Due largely to the extreme poverty a significant proportion of blacks find themselves in, many view blacks as being irresponsible and unintelligent
3. Thanks to the media and entertainment industry, blacks are largely viewed as being dangerous
4. People will be subconsciously wary about Obama because his first name is a Muslim word for "blessed," his middle name is Hussein, and his last name sounds like Osama
5. His father was a Muslim and he was raised Muslim.
6. Most blacks feel that he is too "white" - too rich and educated.

While none of these are justifiable reasons to not vote for Obama, they are never-the-less very significant. Let's face it, fuckers: We are a racist country. We can rant and rave about equality and "all men created equal", but any country that has to enforce affirmative action, makes discrimination in the workforce illegal, and has channels and stations dedicated to African Americans is a racist country. If we weren't, we wouldn't have laws and regulations moving us to the opposite extreme - they wouldn't be necessary.
Not only is Obamas skin color working against him, but in this time of war his Muslim background is wrecking havoc on his political campaign. Countless articles referring to the Obama=Osama coincidence as well as his entire Muslim name are also pointing out his involvment in the United Church of Christ - a church bearing a Christian title but containing Muslim sympathathizers. An American with a Muslim father and Muslim childhood becoming president at this point in our country's existence is impossible. While it would be a great testament to American stupidity to place into office a post-Muslim at this point of crisis, I do NOT see it happening anytime soon.
Basically, the racist reasons for not electing Obama are ignorant and juvenille; but I believe that putting a man into office who was raised on the Koran by Muslim parents would be the height of stupidity. There is to much at stake to risk simply on the basis of Obama's claims that he is a Christian.

Five Ways to Get Undeserved Pussy

The following are five sure-fire (or maybe just hopeful) ways to screw that girl you don't have the balls to make any real moves on.

1: Booze, booze, and more booze!! One cannot under-estimate the horniness alcohol causes. I have researched this subject a lot and created the equation below, comparing your natural sexual attraction with her level of hotness and how much booze it will take to bring them together. Remember the golden rule: 1 shot equals one beer equals one glass of wine - and no, alchie, a glass of wine does NOT mean to the top of the wine glass. If you drink by that rule you will drink yourself into obliteration by the time she is horny, and no one likes a sleepy pee-pee... you moron.

Your Sex Appeal - Her Hotness + Serving O' Booze = Willy's Night Out

Each servings of booze continues to make your chances better and better

For example: Odds are, you are an ugly loser - why else would you be reading this? - and your odds of ever getting pussy are 0% - especially pussy in the 80-100% range. After putting these numbers into the formula above, you have a negative 80% chance of getting into bed with a girl that hot. Since every drink increases your chances of scoring by ten percent, you will have to get her to down 15 beers before you are even at a fifty percent chance. Because it is a common fact that women can drink no more than three beers without becoming unbearably inebriated, by the time your poster girl hits fifteen, you'll be lucky if she is awake. Of course, if that's what you were hoping for, congratulations - time to cash in the V-card, you hopeless fuck. Otherwise, shoot for a lower percentage of hotness - like a 30%. This way she might look like Jar Jar Binks' ugly sister, but at least she'll be sober enough to not throw up on you during. "Ah, me'sa no like pukey on ding-a-ling!" Dumbass.

2: "Lets Watch a Movie" This line is so famous because of the hidden inuendos it usually entails. While "Lets watch a movie" may seem harmless enough, to sex-craved men and women, it means, "Let's Fuck like monkeys on the couch while Harry Potter plays in the background." Watching a movie starts with the lights out - already encouraging sneaky feels - requires the two of you to sit - if not close to one another - at least on the same piece of furniture. (NOTE: If you have failed in this light and find yourself on the couch while your poontang sit across the room in a bean bag, cut your losses. You are obviously so stupid that should you manage to get her naked, you would lay on the bed, put your ass the air, and wait. Go put your head in a freezer, you stupid bitch....)

3. Truth or Dare/Spin the Bottle: These are games created by the spineless sacks of shit who lived 150 years ago - your great-great-great grandparents. In fact, had it not been for games like these, you would never have been born to carry on the legacy of the Empty Sack. Usually, these games do not end in sweaty huffing and puffing, but with blue balls and a bad taste in your mouth - not metaphorically speaking but from the guy that sat across from you during spin the bottle, you faggot. But there is a chance that you're incredible making out skills will make her hotter then a hippie in hell, in which case you will have joined the ranks of your ancestors as being a game-less twat.

4 . Club Dancing: There is probably no lamer expression of cooped-up sexual tension than club dancing. It entails a large amount of alcohol and blaring music, both intended to drive out the last shreds of self-respect from your head, leaving you free to gyrate your skinny butt around the dance-floor in search of some girl dancing alone - or at least with no cocks attached to her ass. As soon as you see her, you make a bee-line across the dance floor, pushing people aside, and go straight to dry-humping her through two layers of clothes. What is even more pathetic is the fact that she allows it! When the lights are low and the music is loud, all self-respect gets thrown out of the window like a screaming baby. Maybe it's because you think if no one can see or hear anything, then no one will remember anything so it isn't really happening. Fortunately for you, club dancing often ends with a shovel - and by a shovel, I mean sex.... bad, sickening-to-watch, nerd-on-whore thrusting. I'm gonna go wash my eyes with sandpaper. Be right back

5. Hot-tubing: I don't know what it is about hot-tubbing with girls that makes you bitches think you are a pimp. The hot-tub is the last place I would want to be if I was as pathetic-looking when I'm half naked as you - and I am. Get a loser into a hot-tub with a couple good looking girls, and he thinks he's Snoop Dogg. While the excitement of being in such an erotic setting is usually too much, you should try to keep your woody to only a semi-hard length of 1.5 inches. If this happens, you have a good chance of blowing that chubby back to its usual inch.
There are a couple benenfits of having sex in a hot tub:
1) Getting naked is a lot easier, and you won't have to fight with the bra strap, Einstein.
2) If you are into anal - and you are - you can get twice the pleasure by fucking your tub-buddy with your own ass close to a jet-stream, guaranteeing twice the gay pleasure.
3) If you cum in the water, no one else will notice with all the foam.
4) If you fuck something up - like suddenly remember your plantane size penis can't satisfy any girl over eleven - you can always just hold her head under the water until she stops kicking. Plus if a girl passes out during sex her pussy tightens like a Chinese Finger Trap, so its like a two-for-one deal. YES!!!

Digital Divine

It is surprising to me that in a world a world many leading theologians would decribe as "godless" and "lost" I see so many peopler of faith. This is not the faith Christianity ir Islam; it is not the faith of Judaism or Budahism; it is not even the faith of Scientology or Evolution. It is the faith of technology.
We see manifestations of it everywhere - on the racks of stores, in the homes of families, in the ears of adolescents - faith. What is this faith? And who are the believers? They are all of us, from the mother that turns her TV on to the youth who purchases an I-pod. Without any understanding of how it works or any visual evidence of it workings, we believe with all our hearts that when we "burn" a CD or hit "Play" on our DVD remote, we are not just wasting our time. We trust that if we dial a number on the 8 ounces of sleek 21st century sexiness in our palm, we will hear a voice greeting us within seconds.
As technology advances to perform more and more amazing things, our blind faith does not stop to question, but simply increases our dutiful worship. In fact, if someone were to ask us how our I-pod can play thousands of songs, save hundreds of photos and entertain us with dozens of movies or TV shows, we would respond with a shrug and, "I dunno. Who cares?"
With no visible evidence - no possible way to observe the electrons and protons and microscopic impulses - we simply accept their existence to be a fact. We spout out words like "Gigabyte" and "Ram" with little or no concept of what these words actually entail. We see the results, praise the Digital Divine, and bend our lives in respectful subservience.

Edit Matthew Lush

Apologies for typo in last post. Matthew Lush insults NON vegetarians, not vegetarians.

Matthew Lush

Matthew Lush begins his profile with a disclaimer: "I really don't care what you think about my views, cause they are just that: MY views." Fair enough. Then why does he proceed to insult anyone who disagrees with his views? These include smokers, drinkers, non-vegetarians (you are stuck in the past) among others. Why does someone who apparently promotes freedom of expression so avidly attack those who disagree with him by throwing obscenities at them?
1) Matthew insults anyone who smokes. As he has never been addicted to tobacco and therefore has no first-hand experience in the hardships of quitting, his condemnations sound ignorant and even ridiculous.
2) Matthew discourages the use of any "un-natural" medicines. He has obviously never experienced chronic pain and therefore has no knowledge of how invaluable modern medication is.
3) Matthew supports homosexuality and groups that identify "real men" and "real women" as those who are either gay or engage in semi-intimate activity with those of the same sex. If a straight or “non-gay” individual were to promote advertisements that featured straight people being, in some aspect, superior to gay people, they would immediately be labeled as homophobes or "gay-bashers". This is a hypocritical attitude and needs to be re-examined.
4) Matthew blames societies ignorance of his organic cures on, I quote, "...your lousy ass government." Apparently the government in place is faulty and we are responsible for it. Is the "your" here encompassing everyone who disagrees with Matthew Lush?
5) Matthew says the number one cause of death in America is heart disease. This is debatable, but it beside the point. Matthew blames these deaths largely on meat, since he claims it causes obesity. Too much of anything can cause obesity. It is erroneous to place the blame on meat.
6) Matthew Lush not only promotes a vegan lifestyle, but declares outright that anyone who eats meat is a cruel person because they are indirectly contributing to the inhumane methods by which animals are slaughtered. This argument is offensive to meat-eaters and common sense itself. Using the same logic, if Matthew Lush even so much as reports a crime, he is contributing to the inhumane treatment of convicts by fellow prisoners and their guards. (Think about it.) In addition to this, anyone who has researched the matter knows that if the entire population of the world became vegans (Matthew's dream) billions would starve. There is simply NOT ENOUGH ARABLE LAND. When you take into account the swamps, deserts, mountains, Antarctica, and the oceans, seas, lakes, and rivers, you are left with 11% of arable land. That is a fact, and no amount of grisly photos showing the horrid treatment of butchered animals will change it. Even if this problem were not existent, who would pay the annual food importation fees that some nations - like the UK - would be forced to pay? Their already shocking six-billion (UK pound) annual fee would rise alarmingly when they could no longer rely on their livestock population to feed them! Is Matthew Lush going to pay to feed all these people? I think not.
I could go on about how eating meat and meat-related products is completely natural and prove how our present brain size and nervous system are a direct result of our ancestors devouring enormous amounts of animal fat; I could remind Matthew that on his vegan diet, his B-12 level will drop dangerously low without the supplements and/or fortified foods that he consumes - without which his nervous system will deteriorate, leading to insanity. Instead I will only remind him and everyone else who reads this that I am not here to discourage the support of good causes. I am here to encourage the support of valid causes. The goal of turning everyone vegan is unrealistic and even dangerous. Instead, Matthew should concentrate his energy and charisma toward more admirable goals - like promoting alternate, more humane methods of killing animals. Our current means is unquestionably harsh; find a better one and I will support it.

My Boss

Well it's been a while. Thought I would hop on and rant a little bit about my boss. Ever meet somone who are so incredibly stupid, you can't imagine how they could get stupider, and then they prove you wrong by going and doing it - get stupider, that is? Yea, welcome to my life. When I first got this job as a cook at a popular restraunt, I liked my supervisor. To protect the innocent, his name is Brett. Brett was a fun guy to work with. He had a good sense of humor and was pretty laid back, so I overlooked it when he constantly disapeared in the middle of dinner, or fucked up orders, or did dumb shit. I overlooked it for about 6 months. Then I started to realize, "Wow, this guy is fucking retarded!" Not only that, but as time went on, I found myself taking on more and more of his supervising responsibilities. Before long, I found myself doing virtually everything - including telling him what to do. It was at this point that I realized, "Holy Shit, I am fucking retarded!" Here I was, bending over backwards for this guy, and I realized I didn't even like the cock-monger. Not because he was any less likable. Just because one of my pet peeves is lazy, loud-mouthed, shit-filled, prick-licking, dumb-as-all-fucking-hell retards. That's all.

Fucking Right Doggie

Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time there were four friends: two guys and two girls. These friends were the closest group of people you'd ever see - they hung out all the time, did everything together. The problem was that they were, as I said before, two guys and two girls. As almost always happens, they started to fall for each other - one of the guys fell in love with one of the girls and the other guy fell in love with the other girl. Then one of the guys realized that he was in love and he was really fucked if his best friend didn't love him back. Then he found out that he was moving away and never going to see much of her again, so he went out on a limb and told her how he felt. She turned him down - not only that, but she decided he wasn't worth talking to anymore and so she cut him out of her life. This crushed the one friend because not only did he lose every chance of being with the girl he had fallen madly in love with, but he lost his best friend. And it hurt. As for the other friend, he decided to ignore the warning signs the first friend put up when he got his heart broken and he told the fourth friend, how HE felt. Strangely enough, SHE felt the same way and they went on to have a wonderful life together. Two best friends madly in love with each other....... How much better could it get? It cant. Pretty fucking hilarious, I think