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Why Spiderman 3 Sucked

2007-05-04T12:41:00.000-07:00

When I first saw the trailers for the last of the web-spinners trilogy, I felt a pang of fear shoot out my ass. The story of Venom is great, but it is a movie unto itself. Here they were planning on shoving the Hob-goblin, Sandman, AND Venom into what I believe is the true definition of the phrase "cluster-fuck." Either that, or a giant super-villain orgy. My fears were confirmed when I finally went to see Spiderman 3 midnight before opening day. I had decided that if they were going to fuck up the movie, at least it would have to be two and a half solid hours of web-slinging ass-kicking. WRONG!! Maybe director Raimi figured he wanted to try his hand at the somehow metaphysical look at the duality of Parker BULLSHIT!!! But the action sequences were few and separated by long periods of Mary-Jane being a sniveling little bitch, and Peter trying to understand where the girl from the last two movies went. That combined with the emotional justification they had for every villain in the movie made for the sappiest, pussiest comic book to hit the big screen. To top it all off, Peter decides that his bad-ass spidey powers can be used to dispel his adolescent angst, demonstrated in the gayest scene Toby McGuire ever acted in: armed with tight-fitting black pants and shirt, an Emo dew, and enough oestrogen to kill the sturdiest of boners, McGuire pranced about like a fairy in some jazz club with Eddy Broc's bimbo of an ex-girlfriend, proving once and for all, that it IS possible to get gayer than Sea Biscuit. As if that wasn't enough, each of the villains dies and then reappears like fifteen times, the most memorable being when Harry Osborne, after pissing off an already menstruating Parker, gets one of his own bombs detonated a few inches from his face. Bummer! I thought to myself. Now the only good actor in this movie - Daniel Defoe - will have no reason to reappear since his lame excuse of off-spring just got his head blown off. But ohhhh noooo!!!! Not only is Harry still alive, but the only sign that he ever had the right side of his body demolished by explosives is a greyish looking burn on his cheek!! Are ya kidding?? Besides that, Harry couldn't seem to make up his dumbass about what he was doing in the movie - killing Spiderman, chasing Mary-Jane, or having gay incestual sex with the ghost of his father. Seriously, he starts out the movie trying to kill Spidey, then loses his memory and likes Peter again, then remembers everything and tries to kill him again, and then decides that he really does love the web-spinner!!! Holy dumb-ass directors, BATMAN!! In fact the only good part of the movie was when Harry and Mary-Jane kiss and some drunk dude in the middle yells out, "BITCH!!" and the theatre erupts in laughter and thunderous appplause. Okay, I wasn't totally drunk, but I wish I had been. This movie blew. Don't watch it or your children will hate you.

Why Obama will never be President

2007-04-06T23:33:00.000-07:00

1. Many people do NOT like black people, plain and simple
2. Due largely to the extreme poverty a significant proportion of blacks find themselves in, many view blacks as being irresponsible and unintelligent
3. Thanks to the media and entertainment industry, blacks are largely viewed as being dangerous
4. People will be subconsciously wary about Obama because his first name is a Muslim word for "blessed," his middle name is Hussein, and his last name sounds like Osama
5. His father was a Muslim and he was raised Muslim.
6. Most blacks feel that he is too "white" - too rich and educated.

While none of these are justifiable reasons to not vote for Obama, they are never-the-less very significant. Let's face it, fuckers: We are a racist country. We can rant and rave about equality and "all men created equal", but any country that has to enforce affirmative action, makes discrimination in the workforce illegal, and has channels and stations dedicated to African Americans is a racist country. If we weren't, we wouldn't have laws and regulations moving us to the opposite extreme - they wouldn't be necessary.
Not only is Obamas skin color working against him, but in this time of war his Muslim background is wrecking havoc on his political campaign. Countless articles referring to the Obama=Osama coincidence as well as his entire Muslim name are also pointing out his involvment in the United Church of Christ - a church bearing a Christian title but containing Muslim sympathathizers. An American with a Muslim father and Muslim childhood becoming president at this point in our country's existence is impossible. While it would be a great testament to American stupidity to place into office a post-Muslim at this point of crisis, I do NOT see it happening anytime soon.
Basically, the racist reasons for not electing Obama are ignorant and juvenille; but I believe that putting a man into office who was raised on the Koran by Muslim parents would be the height of stupidity. There is to much at stake to risk simply on the basis of Obama's claims that he is a Christian.

Five Ways to Get Undeserved Pussy

2007-03-07T19:17:00.001-08:00

The following are five sure-fire (or maybe just hopeful) ways to screw that girl you don't have the balls to make any real moves on.

1: Booze, booze, and more booze!! One cannot under-estimate the horniness alcohol causes. I have researched this subject a lot and created the equation below, comparing your natural sexual attraction with her level of hotness and how much booze it will take to bring them together. Remember the golden rule: 1 shot equals one beer equals one glass of wine - and no, alchie, a glass of wine does NOT mean to the top of the wine glass. If you drink by that rule you will drink yourself into obliteration by the time she is horny, and no one likes a sleepy pee-pee... you moron.

Your Sex Appeal - Her Hotness + Serving O' Booze = Willy's Night Out

Each servings of booze continues to make your chances better and better

For example: Odds are, you are an ugly loser - why else would you be reading this? - and your odds of ever getting pussy are 0% - especially pussy in the 80-100% range. After putting these numbers into the formula above, you have a negative 80% chance of getting into bed with a girl that hot. Since every drink increases your chances of scoring by ten percent, you will have to get her to down 15 beers before you are even at a fifty percent chance. Because it is a common fact that women can drink no more than three beers without becoming unbearably inebriated, by the time your poster girl hits fifteen, you'll be lucky if she is awake. Of course, if that's what you were hoping for, congratulations - time to cash in the V-card, you hopeless fuck. Otherwise, shoot for a lower percentage of hotness - like a 30%. This way she might look like Jar Jar Binks' ugly sister, but at least she'll be sober enough to not throw up on you during. "Ah, me'sa no like pukey on ding-a-ling!" Dumbass.

2: "Lets Watch a Movie" This line is so famous because of the hidden inuendos it usually entails. While "Lets watch a movie" may seem harmless enough, to sex-craved men and women, it means, "Let's Fuck like monkeys on the couch while Harry Potter plays in the background." Watching a movie starts with the lights out - already encouraging sneaky feels - requires the two of you to sit - if not close to one another - at least on the same piece of furniture. (NOTE: If you have failed in this light and find yourself on the couch while your poontang sit across the room in a bean bag, cut your losses. You are obviously so stupid that should you manage to get her naked, you would lay on the bed, put your ass the air, and wait. Go put your head in a freezer, you stupid bitch....)

3. Truth or Dare/Spin the Bottle: These are games created by the spineless sacks of shit who lived 150 years ago - your great-great-great grandparents. In fact, had it not been for games like these, you would never have been born to carry on the legacy of the Empty Sack. Usually, these games do not end in sweaty huffing and puffing, but with blue balls and a bad taste in your mouth - not metaphorically speaking but from the guy that sat across from you during spin the bottle, you faggot. But there is a chance that you're incredible making out skills will make her hotter then a hippie in hell, in which case you will have joined the ranks of your ancestors as being a game-less twat.

4 . Club Dancing: There is probably no lamer expression of cooped-up sexual tension than club dancing. It entails a large amount of alcohol and blaring music, both intended to drive out the last shreds of self-respect from your head, leaving you free to gyrate your skinny butt around the dance-floor in search of some girl dancing alone - or at least with no cocks attached to her ass. As soon as you see her, you make a bee-line across the dance floor, pushing people aside, and go straight to dry-humping her through two layers of clothes. What is even more pathetic is the fact that she allows it! When the lights are low and the music is loud, all self-respect gets thrown out of the window like a screaming baby. Maybe it's because you think if no one can see or hear anything, then no one will remember anything so it isn't really happening. Fortunately for you, club dancing often ends with a shovel - and by a shovel, I mean sex.... bad, sickening-to-watch, nerd-on-whore thrusting. I'm gonna go wash my eyes with sandpaper. Be right back

5. Hot-tubing: I don't know what it is about hot-tubbing with girls that makes you bitches think you are a pimp. The hot-tub is the last place I would want to be if I was as pathetic-looking when I'm half naked as you - and I am. Get a loser into a hot-tub with a couple good looking girls, and he thinks he's Snoop Dogg. While the excitement of being in such an erotic setting is usually too much, you should try to keep your woody to only a semi-hard length of 1.5 inches. If this happens, you have a good chance of blowing that chubby back to its usual inch.
There are a couple benenfits of having sex in a hot tub:
1) Getting naked is a lot easier, and you won't have to fight with the bra strap, Einstein.
2) If you are into anal - and you are - you can get twice the pleasure by fucking your tub-buddy with your own ass close to a jet-stream, guaranteeing twice the gay pleasure.
3) If you cum in the water, no one else will notice with all the foam.
4) If you fuck something up - like suddenly remember your plantane size penis can't satisfy any girl over eleven - you can always just hold her head under the water until she stops kicking. Plus if a girl passes out during sex her pussy tightens like a Chinese Finger Trap, so its like a two-for-one deal. YES!!!

Digital Divine

2007-01-23T23:00:00.000-08:00

It is surprising to me that in a world a world many leading theologians would decribe as "godless" and "lost" I see so many peopler of faith. This is not the faith Christianity ir Islam; it is not the faith of Judaism or Budahism; it is not even the faith of Scientology or Evolution. It is the faith of technology.
We see manifestations of it everywhere - on the racks of stores, in the homes of families, in the ears of adolescents - faith. What is this faith? And who are the believers? They are all of us, from the mother that turns her TV on to the youth who purchases an I-pod. Without any understanding of how it works or any visual evidence of it workings, we believe with all our hearts that when we "burn" a CD or hit "Play" on our DVD remote, we are not just wasting our time. We trust that if we dial a number on the 8 ounces of sleek 21st century sexiness in our palm, we will hear a voice greeting us within seconds.
As technology advances to perform more and more amazing things, our blind faith does not stop to question, but simply increases our dutiful worship. In fact, if someone were to ask us how our I-pod can play thousands of songs, save hundreds of photos and entertain us with dozens of movies or TV shows, we would respond with a shrug and, "I dunno. Who cares?"
With no visible evidence - no possible way to observe the electrons and protons and microscopic impulses - we simply accept their existence to be a fact. We spout out words like "Gigabyte" and "Ram" with little or no concept of what these words actually entail. We see the results, praise the Digital Divine, and bend our lives in respectful subservience.

Edit Matthew Lush

2006-11-24T14:24:00.000-08:00

Apologies for typo in last post. Matthew Lush insults NON vegetarians, not vegetarians.

Matthew Lush

2006-11-24T14:04:00.000-08:00

Matthew Lush begins his profile with a disclaimer: "I really don't care what you think about my views, cause they are just that: MY views." Fair enough. Then why does he proceed to insult anyone who disagrees with his views? These include smokers, drinkers, non-vegetarians (you are stuck in the past) among others. Why does someone who apparently promotes freedom of expression so avidly attack those who disagree with him by throwing obscenities at them?
1) Matthew insults anyone who smokes. As he has never been addicted to tobacco and therefore has no first-hand experience in the hardships of quitting, his condemnations sound ignorant and even ridiculous.
2) Matthew discourages the use of any "un-natural" medicines. He has obviously never experienced chronic pain and therefore has no knowledge of how invaluable modern medication is.
3) Matthew supports homosexuality and groups that identify "real men" and "real women" as those who are either gay or engage in semi-intimate activity with those of the same sex. If a straight or “non-gay” individual were to promote advertisements that featured straight people being, in some aspect, superior to gay people, they would immediately be labeled as homophobes or "gay-bashers". This is a hypocritical attitude and needs to be re-examined.
4) Matthew blames societies ignorance of his organic cures on, I quote, "...your lousy ass government." Apparently the government in place is faulty and we are responsible for it. Is the "your" here encompassing everyone who disagrees with Matthew Lush?
5) Matthew says the number one cause of death in America is heart disease. This is debatable, but it beside the point. Matthew blames these deaths largely on meat, since he claims it causes obesity. Too much of anything can cause obesity. It is erroneous to place the blame on meat.
6) Matthew Lush not only promotes a vegan lifestyle, but declares outright that anyone who eats meat is a cruel person because they are indirectly contributing to the inhumane methods by which animals are slaughtered. This argument is offensive to meat-eaters and common sense itself. Using the same logic, if Matthew Lush even so much as reports a crime, he is contributing to the inhumane treatment of convicts by fellow prisoners and their guards. (Think about it.) In addition to this, anyone who has researched the matter knows that if the entire population of the world became vegans (Matthew's dream) billions would starve. There is simply NOT ENOUGH ARABLE LAND. When you take into account the swamps, deserts, mountains, Antarctica, and the oceans, seas, lakes, and rivers, you are left with 11% of arable land. That is a fact, and no amount of grisly photos showing the horrid treatment of butchered animals will change it. Even if this problem were not existent, who would pay the annual food importation fees that some nations - like the UK - would be forced to pay? Their already shocking six-billion (UK pound) annual fee would rise alarmingly when they could no longer rely on their livestock population to feed them! Is Matthew Lush going to pay to feed all these people? I think not.
I could go on about how eating meat and meat-related products is completely natural and prove how our present brain size and nervous system are a direct result of our ancestors devouring enormous amounts of animal fat; I could remind Matthew that on his vegan diet, his B-12 level will drop dangerously low without the supplements and/or fortified foods that he consumes - without which his nervous system will deteriorate, leading to insanity. Instead I will only remind him and everyone else who reads this that I am not here to discourage the support of good causes. I am here to encourage the support of valid causes. The goal of turning everyone vegan is unrealistic and even dangerous. Instead, Matthew should concentrate his energy and charisma toward more admirable goals - like promoting alternate, more humane methods of killing animals. Our current means is unquestionably harsh; find a better one and I will support it.

My Boss

2006-11-04T19:14:00.000-08:00

Well it's been a while. Thought I would hop on and rant a little bit about my boss. Ever meet somone who are so incredibly stupid, you can't imagine how they could get stupider, and then they prove you wrong by going and doing it - get stupider, that is? Yea, welcome to my life. When I first got this job as a cook at a popular restraunt, I liked my supervisor. To protect the innocent, his name is Brett. Brett was a fun guy to work with. He had a good sense of humor and was pretty laid back, so I overlooked it when he constantly disapeared in the middle of dinner, or fucked up orders, or did dumb shit. I overlooked it for about 6 months. Then I started to realize, "Wow, this guy is fucking retarded!" Not only that, but as time went on, I found myself taking on more and more of his supervising responsibilities. Before long, I found myself doing virtually everything - including telling him what to do. It was at this point that I realized, "Holy Shit, I am fucking retarded!" Here I was, bending over backwards for this guy, and I realized I didn't even like the cock-monger. Not because he was any less likable. Just because one of my pet peeves is lazy, loud-mouthed, shit-filled, prick-licking, dumb-as-all-fucking-hell retards. That's all.

Fucking Right Doggie

2006-03-12T10:46:00.000-08:00

Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time there were four friends: two guys and two girls. These friends were the closest group of people you'd ever see - they hung out all the time, did everything together. The problem was that they were, as I said before, two guys and two girls. As almost always happens, they started to fall for each other - one of the guys fell in love with one of the girls and the other guy fell in love with the other girl. Then one of the guys realized that he was in love and he was really fucked if his best friend didn't love him back. Then he found out that he was moving away and never going to see much of her again, so he went out on a limb and told her how he felt. She turned him down - not only that, but she decided he wasn't worth talking to anymore and so she cut him out of her life. This crushed the one friend because not only did he lose every chance of being with the girl he had fallen madly in love with, but he lost his best friend. And it hurt. As for the other friend, he decided to ignore the warning signs the first friend put up when he got his heart broken and he told the fourth friend, how HE felt. Strangely enough, SHE felt the same way and they went on to have a wonderful life together. Two best friends madly in love with each other....... How much better could it get? It cant. Pretty fucking hilarious, I think

Happy New Years!!!.............fuckers............

2005-12-31T16:26:00.000-08:00

Well. in just under eight hours me and my homies will be welcoming in the New Year with high fives, butt slaps, and toasts. I can say to them at 11:59, "See you next year!" and then moments later truthfully say, "Whoah! Haven't seen seen you since last year, dogg!" and then everyone will laugh and say, "That MattyP is a silly bitch....." and they will probably be right. But amidst all the hooplah and whoopdie-doo, I will be maintaining a tradition that I started years ago: I will think back on all the unexpected, shocking, and sometimes sad developments that no one expected when they eagerly counted down the seconds and wished all their friends, "A Happy New Year." It's the sort of thing you don't think about much when you're young - at least I didn't. There just wasn't that much going on in my life back in the day. But think about this last year for a minute: how much has changed since January 1st 2005? I'm not talking necessarily on a national level (who the hell expected parts of the US would be completely destroyed in a series of freak hurricanes?) but on more of a personal level. How much has your life changed? Have you made some awesome friends that you can't imagine your life without? Have lost some awesome friends you couldn't have imagined your life without? Did you move to a new town full of new people? Change majors? Change religions? These are just things that no one expected to happen but that drastically change our lives within a mere 365 days. It's a sobering and sometimes very saddening thought for me and I wonder, "What new changes will this year bring? Do I want any changes? And will I be ready those which are inevitable?" On that note: Happy Holidays Bitches!! Peace...

Well, well fuckers.....

2005-12-29T00:46:00.000-08:00

Well not much has changed here in the blogging world - everyone's still hoping everyone will read about their shitty lives and laugh/cry/relate with them. So I thought I might as well re-enter the world, seeing as I haven't written in months. I guess I was just waiting for just the right thing to piss me off and inspire me to make other people pissed off too. I found it. As I try to communicate here, please forgive me if I make no sense. I am ver-ver tired.
Recently I created a My Space profile. This is mostly due to the fact that I have way too much fucking time on my hands so I spend it getting to know people I will never meet or ever really get to know. This makes me feel like a dog chasing his tail - not as if I'm chasing something I will never catch but just like a fucking idiot. So.... moments ago as I was browsing the My Space world looking for new and better ways to make My Space more appealing to my on-line friends, I went to the only My Space site that sports Eminem songs and videos. (At least I thought there would be songs, but it turns out there is jsut videos...... end of that story....) It was pics of Em and his albums and the story of his sad child, blah, blah, blah and eventual rise to fame. What caught me off guard was the hundreds and hundreds of women - a few men too - thanking Eminem for accepting them as My Space "friends" and adding them to his friends list....... ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?????? Are there actually that many stupid shit-heads in the world that think Eminem set up a My Space account and spends the hours it would take to browse through these thousands of friend requests and select the ones he personally thinks are cool???????? Holy shit! Sorry nerds!!! I have a feeling Mr Mathers is a little too busy touring the fuckin nation and screwing every beautiful bitch (that you can't have) to bother setting up a fucking My Space account just so he can choose you to be his friend! What's even more idiotic is the fact that some hopeless moronic fuck-heads are actually giving out their phone numbers and telling Eminem that they are his biggest fan and that they tell all their homies about him - cuz I guess he needs the free publicity - and that someday they are going to be on TV with him. OMG! Like Eminem is sitting at home glued to his computer screen like, "Holy shit! This guy is my biggest fan? And he says he's going to be on TV! Tell's all his homies about me? Now way! What a stud! I love this guy! I hope he gives me some way to get in touch - holy shit! His phone number! Yes!! Jackpot!! Kiss my ass Dre! I've got a new bff now mutha-sucka!!"
I highly, highly doubt it. Sorry to burst your rapping bubble fo shizzle Em Jr but I don't think you're wet-dream will be calling any time soon. I gotta go to bed. Peace.

The Gay Guy

2005-10-07T01:09:00.000-07:00

So I finally got a job. Getting my resume was a good, positive step towards this end. Its a job at the exact place I wanted to work, getting paid what I asked for, so I'm happy. And since I'm happy, I can blog again. So... this guy at my job is gay. Now we're not talking gay as in, "Oh I like like the dick in both oral and anal ways." No, we're talking about a guy that's like, "I like pussy. I like pussy so much I wish I had a pussy. I wish I was a pussy I like pussy so much....blah blah...." and thus he ends up being pussy and not liking pussy. So it is that my co-worker was created - much, much, much more woman than man. Now here's where the disturbing part comes from. Because he acts so much like a woman, my apparently straight co-workers flirt with him as if he were a woman. Not only that, but because I start thinking of him in a feminine way when he talks to me, when he turns around, some part of my brain actually expects to see the shapely back portions of a female - mainly the ass. But no........ no, no, no, no!!! There is no such pleasant thing because he's a fucking guy!!!! And so he has no ass! It was the most startling thing when I first saw it. I was like - "Whoah!!! Holy fucking shit!!!! He really is a guy!!! Oh, my sweet Lord look at the absence of any sort of ass on that woman - man!!!" Of course, all this took place in the wild crazy jungle that is my mind, so no one around me was the wiser. And I didn't get fired, so that's all right. But note to all guys: Do not expect shapely asses on your male co-workers - unless of course, that shape of ass is what your looking for. Then it's all right..... I guess....

Fine Fuckers

2005-10-04T11:05:00.000-07:00

Fine, I'll post. My life pretty much sucks ass right now. Here I am in college town bored out of my fucking head. The problem? Well, as it turns out the college I used to go is only nationally accredited - that our accredidation is recognized only with reference to grants, loans, state scholarships, etc. This means that none of my credits transfer. This means I am mad and am refusing to take classes for this term. And since I am still jobless, I have nothing to do. Nothing.... at all... and the only girl I care about just told me she wants space... yea... my life sucks ass right now.,..

Fuck Stick-shifts.... and your mom

2005-09-09T21:32:00.000-07:00

Yea, so I usually don't post things that happen in my personal life because I don't feel that its the business ofr anyone that happens to stop by my site. But I thought that what happened tonight was so good that it deserved a post. So... let me start by saying that I hate manual cars. I hate the clutch, the stick, and the way the fucker jolts my bitch ass around jsut before I stall ity. Yea, I hate that. A lot. But I'm buying this manual from my bro's girlfriend because its only 700 dollars and I'm broke and going to college. So my bro goes on vacation with his girl, leaving the car and keys for myself to use - hatefully. So I work an elven hour day, get in my car, get gas, and start ddriving home. Two blocks from my house, I shift to third. Now, when I shift to third, I am trying to go faster than second. And because I hate the way the car bitches when I go to slow for third, I make sure I go nice and fast to avoid above-mentioned bitchy noises. I go nice and fast, over and bump and nearly become air-borne - in front of a cop. Stupid-ass mother fucker!! - not me, the cop. He switches on his lights and I think in my head, "Oh fuckity fuck fuck fuckin' shit!!" - or something to that nature. Then he turns them on and I think, "Oh please be one of those cops that don't exist and flip there lights on and then flip them off and not pull me over!!" It was not that sort of cop. He swtiches his lights back on and I think, "Oh fuckity fuck fuck - etc...." and pull over. He comes up to my car and says, "That was stupid!" "Not as stupid as your moustache!" I said. No, actually I didn't. I said, "Yes it was." I handed him my license and then explained that the car was not mine but it was my brothers girlfriend's car and that was why I was searching desperately for the registration and proof of insurance in the messy-ass glove compartment. "What's the coat hanger for?" he asked as I desperastely cleared away the shitt - like tampons. And stuff that I don't use. And stuff that obviously indicated this was not my car. "What coat hanger?" I asked. "The one in the back seat," he says. I looked int he backseat. Sure enough, my bro's girlfriend has an unwound coat hanger in the backseat. Things were looking bad. I'm speeding in a car that is not mine with a coat hanger in the backseat. Yes, things were looking downright shitty for ol' Matty P. "I don't know," I squeaked and depserately continued scrounging through the shit int he glove comaprtment. Finally I find it and he tells me not to move while he goes back to his car. And calls in the license plate to make sure the car's not stolen. And then comes back and gives me a weird-ass ticket with an empty spot where it says fine. And tells me that he's going to be nice and not impound my car for having outdated insurance. And then I'm so fucked up I drive the rest of the way home with the E-brake on, wondering why this piece of shit car is running so weird.

Response to the Reasons

2005-09-05T03:53:00.000-07:00

So my bro posted these reasons why it is better to be a girl than a guy because he is a fudge-packing sissy. No actually, he just wanted to be fair because he psoted the same type of list for guys. He said he didn't agree with all of them. I didn't agree with any. Here's why:

1. We got off the Titanic first.
Stupid bitch! You let the poor kid draw you naked and you even fucked him in the back seat of a damn car! Don't you think he could have at least shared your raft with you!!!
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
Actually the thought of some guy fiddling around in your pussy gives male bosses an immediate hard-on and they jack-off on the phone while listening to the rest of your lame ass excuses.
3. Taxis stop for us.
Only if its late enough and there are no cops around.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
Fortunately nobody watches you when you dance. They watch your ass.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
Except the tampon strings hanging out the bikini bottoms.... those are not so hot.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
No, give you a quarter or some other shiny object and your good for hours.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
No, no one has to, but they will... yes, they will.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
Yea, but it's so much easier then shrieking, jumping up and down, and then hugging him.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still.
Yours aren't hanging four inches away from the rest of your body though, are they?
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves...
.....sooner or later....
11. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
You might. I will look like a stud.
12. We will never regret piercing our ears.
I didn't get this one.
13. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
Tell that to the guy turning off your electricity while your fat ass sits on the couch munching in the dark.
14. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.
Its called multi-tasking: looking at you, thinking about your sister.

I really do love women. I just hate the one that wrote these lame things.

The Duck

2005-08-31T18:21:00.000-07:00

Hey I am the faggot's twin: Matty P's twin.
It's her face. It's not an outy, its an inny. That is how I would describe it.
There is a guy I work with who is really good looking, I mean Johnny Depp good looking, in fact every time I see him I thank God I am the straight twin. Not really, but seriously he is good looking. Anyway he walked past the other day and told me we were taking a break early, I said thanks and he kept walking. As I took off my head phones I heard what seemed to be a kissing sound and I turned to see him putting his arm around a female. Now that right there is not wrong in the least in fact the more girls your arms are around the better, it was the thought that popped into my head. It was in fact "What the f**k, she looks like a duck." Yes, people one of the best looking guys I know is in fact humping a duck. It is just wrong. Her body is not bad at all, it is actually fairly nice, but the face...oh god that face. I just think it is a sad world we live in where in order to "get some" you have to choose the duck option.

Confessions of a Blogging Moron

2005-08-30T20:31:00.000-07:00

All right, confession time. I like gay, midget porn.... with sheep. Yes, there nothing that turns me on quite like the sight of a little man humping a male sheep doggy-style shouting, "Oh yea ba-a-a-by!!"All right, I'd to take this time to apologize for the nightmarish visual that instantly popped into everyones head. And make my real confession. I have a Hot or Not account. Since probably all of you are unfamiliar with this particular website, let me explain what it is. This is an account where lonely/bored men and women of all ages post there pics and profiles up for anyone to see and ogle - or look away in horror from. One can peruse through variuos photos, rating the pics on a scale of one to ten, one meaning you should where a plastic bag over your head - very, very tightly - and ten meaning you are tomorrows next Covergirl. One can also peruse through the Meet Me section, selecting the members that you think are exceptionally attractive - or they have a great personallity, blah, blah, blah... and then you hope that they click on you in return and lo and behold, a cyber relationship develops to some degree, depending on how much money and time you are willing to invest in this stranger. So.... the question is, how did I get caught up in this mesh ofLoser Love? I wouldn't say I was lonely - I live with 49 other people in college - nor would I say I was particularly bored. No, I think honestly, I was mostly just curious to see what my average rating was - what did the average human being think of my egg-shaped mug? So ultimately I suppose I was driven by the basic, instinctive love of myself - and, oh yes, I love myself.
Funny story though.... I took my twins pic and posted it up along with a really bullshit profile just for the hell of it - oh and yea, I went and clicked Yes I'd Like to Meet You on every woman above seventy that had their pic posted. He was not happy with his results next time he checked his profile. And I said, "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" Oh, me.......
Oh, remember the post I made a while back about how so many people think I'm gay? Ok, so just for the hell of it - seriously, just for the hell of it - I selected to meet only gay males and then selected every face that popped on the screen for the next like minute. And yea, I got like thirty positive responses. Thirty!!!!. Thirty gay men somewhere out there want my face - or my ass. And that's disturbing....

Cool Movie

2005-08-25T21:38:00.000-07:00

So I just watched a really cool movie. Four Brothers. That's the name. There's something about movies with brotherskicking ass in it that I really like - probably because I have six brothers and I can jsut really identify with the brotherly interaction and ass-kicking that occurs in movies like this and others like Boondock Saints - another kick-assingly-good flick. Growing up with so many brothers definitely teaches you how to kick ass - and get your ass kicked - without crying like a little bitch that just got his ass kicked. (By the way, word of the day in kick ass, ass kicking, and ass-kickingly-good, in case you didn't notice that. Sometimes though, I wish I had a sister. I think at least one sister would have been cool. Then I wouldn't be so awkward around girls and have such a hard time thinking of stuff to say and feel like such a loser all the time. Instead I had brothers, and the only sibling interactions I had was..... ass-kicking. Oh and Blog-surfer never kicked my ass. He's just a big sissy - a big Lady-in-Red-listening-to sissy.

New Drunk

2005-08-14T21:38:00.000-07:00

So I met a new type of drunk person that so impacted me I had to create a whole new category for just her. This type is the Twenty-eight Year Old that Wants my Nuts drunk. As can be derived from the title, this type of drunk is a twenty eight yearold woman. And she wants my nuts. I have three glaring problems with this. 1) I don't have sex with random women. 2) I don't have sex with random, drunk women. 3) I don't have sex with random, drunk ugly- ass mothers. Yes, this particularly nasty specimen of the female creature is 28 and looks like she's 38 - too much crack will do that to you. Plus, she has kids? Seriously, I'm nineteen. What was even more disturbing is that she told me she had never been refused before. Yea? And am I supposed to want to put my valuables in that box? I'm thinking: no-o-o-o-o-oooooo..... Get your hands off my dick and go get your kids. I think they're in the street chasing cars. Crazy bitch.

Drunk People

2005-08-10T02:07:00.000-07:00

Matty P likes drunk people. Most of them at least. I have created categories for drunk people, but I would appreciate any additions I've forgotten.
Reluctant then not so reluctnat drinkers: I love getting girls to drink - not necesasarily getting them drunk, but with a lot of girls, drinking will eventually lead to getting drunk because most girls I know are hella light-weight. Really though, getting a girl that doesn't want to drink to drink ts the most challenging and rewarding thing to do when you are drinking, especially when you consider that the next most challenging and rewarding thing is making it to the bathroom to take a piss. And before you all think I'm a complete jerk that loves getting chicks drunk so I can have sex with them, let me assure you that I have never ever had sex with a drunk chick. I don't roll that way. Seriously. But let me reiterate, there is nothing funner than seeing a girl who half an hour before was swearing that she wasn't going to take even one shot and that she really really didn't want to get drunk again suddenly getting drunker than you. That's just a very rewarding feeling and it makes me all happy inside - when I'm drunk.
Angry drunks: I don't like these people so much. These are the guys / girls that take a couple drinks and then suddenly think they are the shit and that everyone else should think so to and that if you don't think so.... blah-blah-blah slap... that was the sound of me bitch slapping them with a stool and then moving on to my favorite category.....
Stupid Drunks: These are people - usually girls - that will tell you anything.... anything in the world if you ask right. I was told by one girl that if my brothers girl-friend was there, she would smash her head into the counter. That would make a lot mroe sense if this girl had been an Angry Drunk (see above category) but she wasn't. She said it with a smile. And that means that she was jsut being honest. And that's a little scary but at the same time entertaing because it showed a side of her that she didn't want anyone to see. I have also been told by complete drunken strangers that they I was really really cute and that when they first saw me they though I was really really cute and that's just plain funny because you know a girl's drunk when she says that about me! I have been told that I have magic-soft hands and that she wondered what were the many wonderous and marvelous deeds I could perform with such hands (another complete stranger). And that's just more good, clean family fun.
Immobile Drunks: And then of course, lastly, we have the classic immobile drunk. These types are always a source of entertainment: they just can't move around like God made them to. Instead they revert to the pitiful method of transportation: crawling. Yes, you've all seen it: grown men and women crawling across the floor, sometimes like babies on their knees, sometimes like parapelegics on their stomachs, dragging themselves with their arms and making annoying grunting noises like a hamster getting it from behind. Of course if you have my luck, you end up with Clingy-Immobile-Chick who decides crawling is too much work and you are her bitch taxi for the ngiht and you end up carrying her dumb-ass around when you would much rather be laughing with everyone else at the Stupid Drunk (see category above).

I am Gay

2005-08-10T01:40:00.000-07:00

If I had a dollar for every time I was asked whether or not I was gay, I would have a lot of dollars. Lots and lots. Many dollars. I could wall-paper my apartment with the sullen, sulking face of Geaorge Washington. Seriously, what is it about a very, very, very straight and not-gay-at-all-man like myself that makes people ask if I'm a fudge-packer? My most classic gay-inquiry occurred about a year ago at a place I was working. This new girl - I pegged her as a lesbian, but it turns out she was bi, which would never happen to ME anymore because after living where I have for the past year, I can smell lesbians from three blocks away.... and they smell like not-dick-lovers. Anyways... back to the rug-muncher with rug-burned knees.... I was talking with this girl one day about her past bad experiences with boyfriends - another thing that happens to me: girls I don't even know start our first conversations by telling me what an idiot their last boyfriend was. So I looked shocked and say, "Yea? No! What a fucker! You don't say! Well of course you did! I would too!" - ok maybe that last comment is a little gay - when inside I'm thinkin, "You stupid bitch! I don't even fucking know you! Maybe you're a dirty little tramp whore and your boyfriend is just trying to have a decent relationship but you're just a stupid cunt! If you're head wasn't so far up you're ass, I would bitch-slap your face with my dick!" Okay.. that's not really true... but sometimes, I want to almost think that... sorta... Anywho....!! I was telling a story about this crazy girl and me. She was relating past experiences with guys and what jerks they could be, and I said I completely understood, I don't like guys myself because most of them are such arrogant stuck-up assholes (Seriously, I flip myself off in the mirror before going to work every morning.) Then the girl turns and looks at me and says, "You hate guys? Really, are you gay?" ???????????????????? WHAT THE FUCK??????? HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT REMOTELY MAKE ANY SENSE WHATSOEVER? I hate guys.... (not really, but okay...) so then I must be gay??? Did they change the meaning of gay and I just didn't get the memo, or did you just get bitch-slapped with the stupid stick and you have the inane uirge to ask completely idiotic questions? I would have called her retarded but I have a retarded friend who would be offended by that inference. So I have to ask again, why do people ask if I'm gay? I really, really, really want to know!! While I'm waiting for an answer, I think I'll go watch some Totally Men. Comment please!

Porno

2005-07-27T16:23:00.000-07:00

So here's about the funniest thing I've ever heard. Anyone offended by even humorous references to ducks gizzing should not go to this site but instead should go copulate vigiorously with a sharp instrument. Donald Duck does Disney porn - Prank calls, pranks and funny sound clips - Gag Report

That One Guy That Got Ass-Raped

2005-07-16T00:33:00.000-07:00

So, you're a random Scottish peasant.... you're a desperate American colonial.... you're a peace-loving, evil-hating elf..... What do you all have in common? Hmm... what was it...? Oh yea, that's it. YOU ALL GET ASS-FUCKED. Now, I know that's an intresting way to start my new article, but a question popped into my head while I was watching The Musketeer - a lame movie whose only stab at signifigance is its bizaare but fantastic action stunts. The question is this: what about all the guys that get ass-fucked? Yes, that's what I said. What about those guys? They are the guys in any film who took all the shit life had to throw at them (i.e. the tyrannical rule of the English {see Braveheart} ) the guys that went through all the necessary trials and tribulations to make it to the last scene, the guys that heard all the tear-jerking, adrenaline-pumping, chubby-producing inspiring speeches about this "not being that day" and "they'll never take our FREEDOM!!!" When those guys get down to the last charge, the last victorious stretch, the final gallop to glory - I mean, when they actually face those unbelieveable odds that those insipiring speeches made them believe did not exist - they get ass-fucked (i.e. shot or blown to shit). I mean, is that discouraging or what? Here we have the poor peasant/colonial/elf-from-Lord-of-the-Rings thinking that what his idiot leader says is true and that he actually will escape this shitmess he's in when instead, admist echoes of inspirational words and glorious music, he get his horse/legs blown out from under him and he goes down in a pile of screams, pain, and extreme dislike for any Hollywood heroes. Seriously, wouldn't that suck ass? I mean, one second your charging to victory with all the rest of the heroes and the next second your getting blown off your horse in a fountain of slow-motion blood and... your dead... and the story follows everyone else - not you - because your dead and dead people really aren't that intresting. So, pretty much that's it: it sucks to be the guy that dies. Cuz that's all he does: die. The End.

How I Feel About Stupid-Ass Motherfuckers

2005-06-30T01:24:00.000-07:00

I just want to talk a little bit about guys that don't know how to treat women. I have a friend going through this shit right now and it just really pisses me the fuck off. I find it hard to comprehend how a guy with a gorgeous, loving, godly girlfriend can't seem to figure out that the relationship is not all about him. By definition, a relationship involves two or more people, and some guys always forget about the other half of their reltionaship. This indicates to me that they don't seem to be intrested in a relationship at all. At that point, its all about them. And then when the shit's finally over - when the relationship is ended by one or the other - they realize, "Oh shit! I had something really good and now I fucked up." The problem is, a lot of the time, they still are focused on themselves. Its like, "Oh shit, I had something good and now I don't have anything at all. Poor me." The focus is still not on their "once-partner". The focus is on what they had and what they lost. It's still all about them. These guys are insecure and very dependent mother-fuckers that miss thier mommy's and need someone ( i.e. a really awesome woman) to wipe their asses for them. These types of girls, however, don't necessariy need to be ass-wiping these lazy mother-fuckers. They should be kicking them in their little useless nuts. But these girls are just mature enough to know that they need to take care of the other half of the relationship (i.e. the guy) and that's awesome. That's what a relationship requires, but the shit has to be two-sided. You can't have a girl constantly taking care of herself and her dumbass boyfriend. That shit just pisses me the fuck off, and I think guys like that need to be knocked upside their head with a shovel or some other blunt intrusment repeatedly until they realize what a dumbass motherfucker they are and start wiping their own ass. Someday I'll tell you guys how I really feel about this shit.

Celebrity Rant Part Two: Celebrities Famous for Really Weird Reasons

2005-06-23T19:19:00.000-07:00

Now moving from rappers to celebrities-famous-for-really-weird-reasons. Let us take a look at a classic example: Paris Hilton. Why is Paris Hilton famous? Let's see. She's beautiful.... she's rich.... umm.... hold on...beautiful...rich...shit...I know there was something else... oh yea!! SHE GOT FUCKED ON CAMERA. That's right, I knew it was something bizarre. So... here's a woman so rich her Daddy wrapped her presents in hundred dollar bills as a child and she is famous for no apparent reason: I mean, she models and sells shit, but why does that make her famous? She didn't make any of it. Her family's fucking wealthy and she's on the cover of every magazine every week involved in something.
So one day, Paris wakes up next to incredibly well-endowed boy-friend and says, "Hmm... I'm fucking famous. But even I'm smart enough to realize that there is no real reason for me to be so famous - I mean, shit I sure as hell can't act and my only catch phrase is, 'That's hot.' Someday people are going to realize that I shouldn't be on the cover of these stupid magazines every week and I'm going to be as unimportant as every other billionaires' grand-daughter. What to do... what to do..."
At this point, her incredibly well-endowed boy-friend, who has already lit up his bong and is fast on his way to Neverland, has a briliant idea. "Let's fuck," he says and then busts up laughing because honestly, the word fuck is really hilarious when your high off your ass.
Paris realizes that her idiot boyfriend's remedy for his raging boner has provided her with a way to save her career. "Brilliant! What a clever and well-composed suggestion for the salvation of my career!" she exclaims. At least, that's what she would have said if she had graduated high-school. Actually, all she said was, "That's hot." The following video-taped festival of love, known as One Night in Paris proved to be the solution for Paris Hilton's dying career, thus making her the most famous of the Celebrities Famous for Really Weird Reasons.
I think the second most famous celebrity for areally weird reasons is Jessica Simpson. Think about it: What is she best known for? Being an idiot. That's right. Jessica Simpson, gorgeous and decently intelligent in real life, I'm sure, is famous because on her well-loved show The Newlyweds she is a complete jackass. If you were to take all the idiots in the world and have them take any kind of test and have Anna Nicole Smith set the grading curve and then have all the people who scored below a 50% on that scale get together and do their best at creating a brain, I guarantee you that that brain would be smarter than Jessica Simpson is on her show. Seriously. I say "than Jessica Simpson is on her show", because that is all it really is. She's not that stupid, fuckers, she's an actor. Its not reality, because no one is that stupid in reality. She is adorably stupid and people love her for it. And I love the fact that only in America can you be famous for being a complete idiot.

So....You Don't Like the Blog

2005-06-17T15:27:00.000-07:00

"Your blog is evil...blah, blah... if you even are Christian, you are certainly one of the worse Christians in the world...blah blah. Repent in sackloth and ashes for your wicked language and your rotten attitude." My first email of this nature made me laugh. I couldn't believe it. This woman, an associate and friend of my older brothers, had accidentally "stumbeled" across my blog and decided that it was her Christian duty to reveal to me the error of my ways, citing my disgusting utilization of the English language and "attitude" as my most pressing and destructive evil, accusing me of living two different lives: one before my teachers and church and family and another one on the internet, "zipping up my flesh suit and going for a ride"(???). My response was to inform her that she did not know what she was talking about. I was not hiding anything from anyone: my friends, most of my family, and my and teachers know who I am and what I am like. (I don't even know my current pastor.) Everyone, I pointed out, knows me except her. This would indicate that perhaps she was involved in an affair about which she knew nothing with someone she did not know. Unfortunately, she failed to grasp this in my first email and proceeded, not only to keep writing me, but to spread the news to everyone else in this little community. I was approached by an old friend of mine who expressed his concern with my actions, relating his own experiences with that "languages" consequences. I must say, I appreciated - if not his arguments - his conern and respect for me that encouraged me to reconsider my course of action. And then he revisited my site. Revisited. Remember, this is after he came to me and informed me that he dissaproved of what I was doing and what my blog contained, admitting that if I failed to find something problematic or innately wrong with my language, I should not change it!!! So my question is, "Why the heck would he revisit a site that he believed was innately wrong and comment on it, "For what its worth, I'm very dissapointed." With what? With my blog? Yes, he already told me that - and he also told me that he didn't want me to change it if I failed to see something wrong with it. Was it with the fact that I changed the blog's address? Yes, I did because I was disgusted with the fact that it was getting passed around like a hot potato. It amazes me that certain persons would come across my blog, accuse me of being a rebellious or very deceived individual, and then tell others how to find this evil blog and that they should read it. Its even more amazing when you remember that these people are not even part of my life anymore. I never see them or talk to them and they have the audacity to try to fix my life by giving me all their opinons. In truth, that's all they are. They have nothing concrete to back their statments, and that makes them all opinions. For any of you who still haven't got enough of this evil blog and are still checking it with morbid fascination to see what evil I'll create next, Thank you, I appreciate the concern, but honestly, enough is enough. Fuck off.

Innocent fun...

2005-06-17T07:45:00.000-07:00

http://www.savemartha.com/fat_kid_singing_video.html
Here is a silly song that my family gets a kick out of. Whenever things starts getting stressful we go to this site and start dancing. Think we are weird? Click on the link and see if you can stay still!!

Three Words...

2005-06-13T23:04:00.000-07:00

blah...blah...blah

Celebrity Rant Part I: Rappers

2005-06-13T23:03:00.000-07:00

I'm going to start by saying I hate the average black rapper for one reason: because he's black. Now before you start accusing me of being a racist bastard, let me explain why. Black rappers are the creators of the black pop culture (which I absofuckinglutely hate). This culture is emulated by black and white people alike, and thus my hatred for black rappers. This culture involves dressing like a complete idiot, talking like a moron, and pretending to be a real badass. It's called gangsta. Shit bitch, a towel on your head doesn't make you gangsta - and I'm not talking about a doo-rag (?) - I'm talking about an actual towel draped over one's head. A towel on your head means you're my mom coming out of the shower.Another integral part of the BET culture is the inability to speak English. "Don' mesh wi' m' bitch, o'all fu' ya u', mo'fu'er." You don't sound gangsta when you talk like that. You sound like an old man just coming out of an eight year coma with a mouth full of eight years of drool dribbling down his chin. That's an interesting point, actually: if I described someone to you as wearing a towel over his head with a terrible speech impediment, you would assuem he was either retarded or a senile old man. Well, he's not. He's Fit'y Fucking Cent. (Actually, I like Fity's rap, but his name's a great example of what I'm talking about.)Also, in order to be gangsta, you must be GANGSTA. This means you must be a badass who's life is always being threatened by unseen enemies. You must be a tough motherfucker, even if , like the average rapper, you're just a fat, horny black guy. This explains why in rap music video - even if the artist is just rapping about how much he likes women's butts - must have some scene in which tension builds up. A white version of this scene would go something like this: "I'm a very tough man - I must be, because I'm fat and loud. I like pussy and the useless fatty tissue around them known as "woman". I'm dancing with my friends and someone steps on my shoe. WHAT? My shoe!!!!! That very, very bad man!!! He must be out to kill me and rape my wife and ruin my life. I had better kill him with my automatic weapon. There.... now watch him fall in slow motion. Motherfucker. Step on my shoes will you!!!!" (Not as impressive when you can actually understand what he said and why he just capped some fool with his nine.)I love Eminem. This is because Eminem raps about real problems and real situations in real life. He raps about things people can relate to. And he raps about a lot of different stuff. If you turn on the radio, I guarantee you, half of the male rappers will be rapping about shorties' ass. Not that I have a problem with shorties' ass. It's a very nice ass and it gets my blue ribbon, I'm sure. It would just be nice for the BET culture to convince me that they have a little more intelligence and maturity than the average junior high guy. Black people always bitch about being treated worse than other people. Racism is wrong, but BET is not helping anything when they represent the black man as being only interested in money and sex and...welll, I guess that's it. Money and sex. All right, I'll get off my soap box, my niggas.

Plain Weird

2005-06-13T23:02:00.000-07:00

http://www.theworld.ae/
Another weird website, only this one is weird for a different reason. Here in Dubai they are making a manmade 'world' of 300 Islands, in the rough shape of the countries on the earth. Each Island will be its own luxurious beach resort, with hotels, luxury homes, and manufactured terrain. The idea is to populate an entire 'world' with extremely wealthy people who want to experience absolutely nothing but their manufactured culture. This has to be one of the craziest ideas I have ever heard of. When you think of it though it is a great money making idea. You would just need a butt load of capital to start off with. What will happen to the kids raised in such a life?

Gunther and His Tra-La-La

2005-06-13T23:01:00.000-07:00

Okay, as soon as you finish reading this article, there is something you must do. Run a search on Gunther Tra-la-la Music Video. You will see some shit that will either make you 1) horny as porcupine or 2) you will start to absofuckinglutely hate anyone in Europe. (However, when I first saw this music video, neither of those two things happened to me. This is because I am always horny and I already hate Europeans. ) Before I go any further though, let me comment on my expression horny as a porcupine. This expression is not a weak pun about "quills" and being "horny", even though that's probably what most of you nerds are thinking. Its actually simply an expression of my own belief that porcupines never get any wild n' wet lovin' - kind of like me. This is because the male porcupine would skewer his little balls on the female's quills if two of them ever tried to do the nasty. That's why procupines are always horny, and thus the expression, "Horny as a porcupine."Anyways.... back to the music video about Gunther. I guess this guy is the craze in Europe right now. He's a pop star that sings about women wanting to use him for sex. That's wonderful, and it sounds like American pops singers. The difference is that American pop stars don't have mullets, giant horn-rimmed specs, greasy moustaches, and lips so fat they can be used as pillows. Nor do pop stars from the US sing about women touching their "Tra-la-la" or "Ding-ding-dong". Yes... you read that accurately... This European sex symbol refers to his DICK/COCK/MAN-FAT SHOOTER as a tra-la-la and a ding-ding-dong. I would understand it if Gunther was just making reference to his GIANT MAN-MEAT TRUNCHEON and he wanted to pussy-foot around it and call it a tra-la-la/ding-ding-dong as a joke. But in the music video, he crawls out of a bed filled with beautiful naked women. OK, now he not BSing around about it. He's saying, "Look! I just single-handedly fucked all three of these bitches senseless with my....tra-la-la???????" Sadly, America, this is not a joke. Gunther is not trying to be funny. But he is getting crazy Europeans women to have sex with him and his god-damn ding-ding-dong, and that makes me sad. Why can't American women be so stupid?

Different

2005-06-13T23:00:00.000-07:00

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/
I just found this blog the other day and now I've seen it almost five times on different peoples blogs. Check it out. It is very different. The first time that I came across it I had to read every single one. One of the comments on there I would have to aggree with. "An amazing and horrifying 10 second insight into other peoples lives."-UK Yeah, that is how I sum it up. There are reasons that some secrets are secret!! Some of them are quite morbid, but some just make you wonder what went on in these people's past that would make them think some of the things that they do. I think that my deepest darkest secrets will just stay with me, Thank-you very much!!

GOOD GRAVY

2005-06-13T22:59:00.000-07:00

I have two words for all the people that are leaving obnoxious comments on my blog...Held Back (Yes, yes, I did take that from strong bad's e-mail...get over it!) If we leave something on your blog and you don't like it... DELETE IT. Bunch of retards... it isn't like you know us or anything and are in shock that one of your friends would say something like that! Ok, so, we come on your blog...we leave some random comment, do you really think that leaving some foul comment back on ours is really going to teach us a lesson? Idiots. When you return the comment with your name, we then have unlimited access to your blog! If you had just deleted our thought provoking comment, the chances of us ever finding your blog again are several million to one. I guess that there are more insecure morons out there then I realized. Ok, enough posts about other bloggers...back to my exciting life.

Remember Three Things....

2005-06-13T22:55:00.000-07:00

To all you psychos out there in blogger land, remember a couple of things when you want to bitch at me because you don't like something I said. First, leave your name please. Don't be a little bitch and make it impossible for me to find you or write you. Second, don't be pissy and just say, "Fuck you, you bastard, don't you talk about my mama like that." It is a waste of time to say this, because usually when I say something about someone’s blog, its a good point about the blog and saying "fuck you" won't solve anything. Showing me I'm wrong will. This is also a waste of time because I will talk about your mama however I want anyway. Lastly, make sure you do your research. Don't accuse me of saying something I didn't say. Remember, jack offs, there are two people on this blog. Two. Count them. One, two. Uno, dos for the Spanish speaking nerds. If Blog Surfer says something, don't say I did because, I didn't. Blog Surfer did. Not that hard. Bye for now.

Hey Bitch, Don't Touch that Comment

2005-06-13T22:35:00.000-07:00

So here's the thing: if we grace your blog with one of our keen and most insightful comments, do us a favor and act like an adult about it. If you want to make an argument on your blog, and I refute you with my irrepressible wisdom, don't be a bitch and delete my comment. At least be man/woman enough to respond in some way, or just leave my comment there and let everyone realize that your argument was bullshit. If you dislike profanity on your blog and you choose to erase me for that reason, well then fuck you, but I understand. But if you honestly want to make arguments/statements, at least have the integrity to admit it when you fuck up. Thank you.

Died Prematurely???

2005-06-13T22:34:00.000-07:00

I was looking up The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy the other day and I read that the author, Douglas Adams, died about three years ago. The article called it, "His premature death". I had to read that again to make sure that I read it correctly. You should read it again and see if you come up with the same confusion I did. Here for your convenience...Premature Death. What the crap is a premature death? Really. Call me insensitive, or what ever comes to mind, but I would have to say that if you died...then...it was your time to go! How can you honestly say that one died too early? When your ticket gets punched, then you don't have too many options. In fact the only option I see is to die! I could agree with saying that his death was a shock...His death was sudden, but premature...give me a break.

Damn Nerds

2005-06-13T22:33:00.000-07:00

So the other day I was watching some of the crazy shit on E-baums and I found a video that made me river dance right there in my room. It was a video taken of some American troops in a helicopter shooting some Iraqis bastards. I guess the little fuckers had a heat seeking launcher or something - I don't really care. I was just stoked to find real footage of those sons-of-bitches getting ass-rapped by a fifty-cal. So I ran a search to find more such butt-rapping footage. What I found was a bunch of computer nerds bitching about how the American troops are such ignorant hicks out there shooting innocent Iraqis. Some ignorant fools were even claiming that the guys were farmers. See the tractor, they said, because there's a tractor in the footage, they were farmers. What?? You stupid motherfucker!! If you see someone with a bomb in an airport are you going to assume his ass is there to help you with your luggage? The little bastards are everywhere. Being next to a tractor doesn't make him a farmer. And farmers don't carry RPG's at night and shoot at American's like these fuckers plainly are doing in the longer version of the footage. I'm sorry but if I was in a chopper and the guys below me were shooting at my boys, I'm not going to wait and see if they intend to attack me next. I'm going to fuck them up with my big-ass gun. But no, you little computer nerds want to sit in front of the plasma computer screen that you just bought with your last check from Mcdees and bitch about how our expertly trained soldiers are acting in the line of duty. Why don't you go kick some demon ass in Doom 3 or something and leave real life to real men.

What the Hell is up with Airline Food

2005-06-13T22:32:00.000-07:00

Actually, I'm not going to talk about airline food. I actually just wanted to see how this blog worked. I am the co-blog-commentor on this particular blog you have been privleged to stumble upon. In the future I plan on commenting on other people's blogs. I will rarely be nice. Some people might say that I am a dick and criticizing other blogs is easy. I say, "Fuck you." Any stupid blunt-toting, high-school drop-out can say, 'Your blog is wonderful. Your comments: deep and insightful.' It takes creativity to say , "I couldn't come up with that much shit if I spent the night with my head in a toilet bowl," or something equally thoughtful and enlightening. But I won't just talk about blogs. I'll talk about other things. Like your Mom's hair-do. Oh yes, I will be throwing around the "your Mom" slam. This is not because I think it is a good finishing touch to an argument, but just because there are still some idiots in the world who get pissed off by it. And that makes me giggle. But anyway, I have to get to bed. xxxx

Types of Blogs

2005-06-13T22:31:00.000-07:00

I was surfing through blogs earlier, (after all that's what I do) and I started to notice that there were only a few different types of blogs out there. Sure, there are millions of blogs, but most of them can be categorized into a few categories.We have the "Life Blogs". These are the ones that are just about people's lives. For whatever reason, these people write about whatever comes to mind. Sometimes they can be fun to skim through, but usually they are pretty boring. On the other hand they are only written for a certain audience, (i.e. friends and family) and so if you don't know who this person is, you will want to skip this one. I myself have one of these, but I can't be sarcastic in that one, so that's why I have this one.Next, we have the "Purpose Blogs". These ones are out for a reason. They are trying to sell you something, convince you of something or change your point off view somehow. Usually they are to be skipped.We then have the "News Blogs". Every post is a different hyper-link to some on-line story they found interesing. If you happen to have the same taste as these people then they can be fun to spend some time on, other wise...Blah. More likely then not the hyper-link is old and all you will get when you click on it is an error page.Another type of blog is the, "I-have-way-to-much-freaking-time-on-my-hands-and-no-life Blog". You've seen these ones. Four different columns to scroll through. Music. Sometimes there are web-cams. All in all just a crap load of time and energy spent. Usually it is a good idea to just skip these ones as well.We then come the "List Blog". List of why they are mad...List of what pisses them off...List for why certain people, sexes or things suck...List for how many lists there are in the world. In this same category are the test people. Test for every stinking thing under the sun. As retarded as many of these test are I find myself taking alot of them just to see what kind of crap I can find out about myself. I usually spend alot of time on these blogs. I like to read lists and stuff.Lastly, we have the "I am a deep thinker Blog". These ones really annoy me. These are usually full of crap. People love to sound smart and ask these retarded questions like, "What is the meaning of life". Like you were the first person to come up with such a question. Or they have questions that are so "deep" that no one has a freaking clue what they are trying to say. They only have their friends commenting on these. Then they comment back to their friends in the comment section. Why don't you just ask your friends these questions last time you were getting high with them? That way you could get the stupid conversation over with in less then two minutes instead of dragging it on for days! They usually leave it open for comments so I have made it my mission in life to comment on all such blogs and tell them to get a life.

Why???

2005-06-13T22:26:00.000-07:00

Pretty much the only reason that I have this blog is so I can comment on any random blog that I find interesting! I don't know how many hours I have spent surfing through people’s blogs, hence my title. Feel welcome to comment, but be man or woman enough to leave your name, none of this anonymous crap!! If I find anything cool to post then I might just do that as well.